But do I REALLY need to ask myself if I want to be frum?

It can't be that you need to sit down and ask yourself if you want to be frum and truly believe that you can walk away from it if you wanted, in order to fully believe that you are choosing it for yourself...or is that true? Bc I don't feel I can truly walk away even if I wanted to because of my family, friends, community etc...so I could never get to that point where its actually a potential reality.

Truthfully, I feel that may be why I'm conflicted at times, bc it was forced upon me and not my own decision...

Zechariah’s response:

First, the whole idea of making a choice to be frum is absolutely true and even necessary to make. Even if you don't want to or can't walk away from the life you built- asking yourself the question will at least show you the areas in your life where you feel shleped or forced. The outcome could be "I'm still going to do the same thing no matter what- but at least I'm acknowledging where my growth needs to be focused on."

Number 2- you feeling forced is not the actual source of your internal conflict. Bc the reality is- your free will (or deepest soul desire) is to be frum. The internal conflict comes from not taking responsibility in either some or all areas of your life. This is typically coming trauma, inner child issues, etc- normal human issues- which is a huge part of you mission in coming into this world to fix and work through. Being frum is your true self being expressed.

Which leads me to number 3. Being frum is NOT just keeping shabbos and kosher. It's ahava and yiras Hashem, it's menuchas ha nefesh, it's feeling bsimcha. If you don't have that all the time, it's not the real deal.

And that's the point- being frum is not a real thing.

Being connected to Gd is.

And that's the choice.

And it happens at every moment- and it's all up to you.